sábado, 16 de maio de 2009

Enterro

Eu acredito que tudo na vida tem um sentido, nenhuma gota de chuva cai por acaso, algum sentido, por mais abstrato que seja no momento presente, há de existir. Cada pessoa, cada lugar, cada escolha, cada palavra e cada olhar tem um impacto significativo no universo porque todos os seres estão interligados, como fios numa teia de aranha bem constuída pelo Criador, e habitam o mundo numa perfeita melodia.
Há mais de um ano que meus olhos encontraram os dele, olhos que eram incomuns, cor azul de caneta marca texto, que brilhavam de mistério e interesse ao me fitar. Eu quisera encontrar um homem que fizesse meu coração acelerar de paixão, minhas pernas bambearem de desejo, alguém com quem eu pudesse dividir um romance e ao mesmo tempo uma aventura lasciva. Era ele quem eu queria encontrar.
E após alguns meses de flertes, incertezas e nenhuma palavra trocada, provei do sabor, do amor e da paixão daquele homem. Aquela manhã fria de junho, dia dos namorados, ficou marcada na memória. Os beijos dele eram como drogas pesadas: envolventes e mortais.
Como diz um poeta que nao me recordo o nome "tudo o que é bom dura o tempo necessário para ser inesquecivel.". Muitos outros acontecimentos sucederam este primeiro. Quantas brigas, sorrisos, beijos, abraços, sofrimentos e lágrimas derramadas. Meu Deus, o quanto eu sofri com a primeira partida, mas não tanto quanto o retorno.
Ele teve sim a ousadia de voltar, dizer meia duzia de palavras vazias e fazer com que eu caísse nos braços dele novamente, braços que eram só dele, que nunca foram e nem nunca seriam meus. Mas não reclamo, pois vivi, amei, me aventurei e senti que ele era meu e eu dele por alguns instantes. Ele me ensinou a amae, a desejar, a ser eu mesma. Ensinou-me caminhos que eu deveria percorrer dentro de mim para descobrir segredos que eu nem sabia que eu possuia. Por alguns flases de momentos me senti a mulher mais desejada do mundo.
Porém, como toda droga, ele me trazia além de prazer, culpa e morte. Eu me sentia cansada como se tivesse corrido a São Silvestre, pois ele me roubava toda energia positiva que eu lutara para acumular. Era preciso se livrar antes que fosse tarde. Só eu sei o quanto foi ruim constatar que ele não era o meu principe encantado, e que nao mudaria nem uma virgula em sua vida, que não estava disposto a romper com ela pra ficar comigo mesmo dizendo-se apaixonado. O quanto doeu dizer não para seus encontros quando o que eu mais desejava era provar mais desse vício que me consumia.
Foram litros de lágrimas, e os lugares eram vazios, de repente o mundo tornou-se escuro e sem graça. Nada mais tinha sentido. Pensei que o último capítulo seria o dia em que o veria ao lado dela, mas nao o foi. Nesse dia eu só tive a certeza de que eu não passava de um acontecimento casual, que não foi ele que atravessou a minha vida, mas eu que no meu amor romantico e inocente atravessara a vida dos dois. Aparentemente esse dia foi "engraçado" pra mim, contudo, também não o foi. E definitivamente não era o último capítulo.
Ele se foi, dessa vez para nunca mais voltar. E o último capítulo é hoje: um dia mravilhoso porque consigo pensar nele sem sentir dor, consigo escrever sobre tudo sem chorar. Percebi que aprendi muito e que ele foi apenas o primeiro de muitos outros amores que virão. Percebi que tenho potencial para muito mais do que ser a outra. Quero alguém inteiro, e só pra mim. Por isso levo comigo só o que foi bom e enterro hoje e aqui esse fantasma que me assombrava. História boa de amor, ou é com final feliz, ou morta e enterrada.

PS: Via papel e lápis 15/05/09 20:44

15 comentários:

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choreei velho *-*
muito foda isso. seem mais *------*

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